MY LOCAL FRIEND

 Is Love Selfish? Unpacking the Self-Centered Nature of Relationships

The word selfishness is something most of us don’t usually pay attention to, especially when it comes to ourselves. We almost believe that everything is fine. And, in a way, it is. By default, every human is selfish. There is an adage in Yoruba that says, "If you give a hoe to a madman, he would gather the soil towards himself." That is, even a madman will consider himself before others. But that’s just by the way.

Man is happy when he receives but it's otherwise when he gives. We all want to get but we don't want to give. When it is about us, we want it all done quickly, but if it's about others we don't care. Selfishness is the blood brother of stinginess. They are related, same family. I, me, and myself are their family parlance. The summary of human behaviour is self, and we engage in self-interest relationships. If all your life all you live for is self, you have not truly lived. 

Everything we do in life is motivated by personal interest. What interests me may not interest you, and more often than not, our interests carry selfish undertones that we might not recognize. These selfish tendencies are difficult to notice because it’s easier to judge others than ourselves. We readily point out selfishness in others while our own actions seem justified or perfect. At its extreme, this self-centeredness can manifest as megalomania—an obsession with power and control.

I was having a discussion with two of my sisters recently, and the conversation was about women who prefer to get married but say they don’t want to have children. I shared my perspective on it. I said I could agree to such a bargain, but only before marriage; after that, we would have to revisit the terms and conditions. I told them the only reason I could do that is because of love.

If I love the lady in question, and she reciprocates, but the only reason she wouldn’t marry me is because I disagree about having children in the marriage, I would do all I can not to lose such a lady on that flimsy basis. I would prefer to agree and later revisit the issue after the marriage.

I may sound like someone selfish—or perhaps I am selfish. I know I am, but what do you call a woman who marries and doesn’t want to have children? Is she a saint? Come on, let’s call a spade a spade. She is also selfish. If her own mother had the same mindset, she wouldn’t even be thinking of marriage because she wouldn’t have been born in the first place.

She wants sex but not the consequences of it. She wants a loving partner but not a baby! This is selfishness at its peak. While I’m not denying that I might also be selfish if I did that to any lady... of course, I wouldn’t.

What about a cheating partner? I can categorically say that cheating partners are the most obsessive. They can cheat, but they can never allow their own partner to cheat! If their partners happen to cheat on them, they will want to bring heaven down or perhaps ask for an eclipse of the moon. This is selfishness! You enjoy cheating on your partner, but you feel bad when your partner cheats on you!

Let’s paint another scenario here. You see a lady using a sex vibrator. The fact that she uses a vibrator shows that she enjoys sex, but she chooses not to have it with a fellow human, but rather with a toy for reasons best known to her. It’s her choice, but that choice has a touch of selfishness in it. The same applies to a man using a sex doll.

Funnily enough, these people may have many who are eager to be their partners, but some of them will disoblige on the basis that, “You’re not in my class.” A fellow human is not in your class, but a sex doll or vibrator is?

The whole essence of love between two opposite genders is about interest. And our interests are more often than not selfish. Our love can be termed selfish love. I want to marry him because he looks good and is successful. I want him because he will take care of me. I want him because he’s good in bed. I want her because I like her breasts or because she is pretty. These are just some of our interests, but they are selfish at their core.

Suffice it to say that human love is business. And business is all about interest.

The selfish tendency in humans is something we don’t easily admit. But it’s there! A madman is healed the day he admits that he’s mad. There is no way we can work on this anomaly if we don’t first acknowledge it. We can live with little to no selfish attitude if we work on ourselves. How do you explain a boss who wants to sleep with his subordinate? Or an employer who wants to sleep with a job seeker. But come to think of it, is love selfish?

I would like to hang my pen here, till we meet again. I am Akerele Odunayo Samuel.